Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
