So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize