An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize