just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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