Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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