that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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