he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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