I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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