Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
