He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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