During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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