is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
