My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
