listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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