i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Hippo gnu deer
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
