and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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