I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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