I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We need a shit load of segways right now
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
