hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
