I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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