don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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