I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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