On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
