u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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