Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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