I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
