I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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