best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
