when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
