We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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