We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
