i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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