You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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