Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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