it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
