Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Holy sore nipples Batman
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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