even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
