so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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