Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
