So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
