I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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