I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
