he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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