The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
