Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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