I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
