Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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