I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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