gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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