fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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