i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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