he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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