The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
