Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i was born a porn star she said
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
