My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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