Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
