You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize